sometimes i get off on the pain

Daily Nugget #160

sometimes i get off on the pain

 

there are days when i recognize that i am in a certain place

specifically to hear something.

a word

a conversation

and

many times

a song.

 

i am WAY more open to things these days.

this week

i did 3 new things.

1. i went on an overnight horse trip. yay!

2. i went to my first rodeo.

3. i allowed myself to like a country music song.

<wow. what’s happening to me!>

 

i’ve been wanting to do a horse trip for some time.

man

it was amazing

and

hard

and

i learned a lot.

what amazing BEings horses are.

 

after spending most of my life

longing to have a horse friend(s)

i now have one

and

i get to see him

ride him

and

learn from him all of the time.

i’ve waited a long time for this.

did i mention that horses are amazing?

 

i’ve always judged the rodeo

assuming

there was a bunch of animal abuse

and

disrespect.

geesh

i was mistaken.

 

i had a date this weekend with my youngest son

to check out our local rodeo

the one that i have heard from my house

multiple times per week for years.

 

all of these years i judged it

and

my judgment was completely wrong.

damn

that judge-y thing is a bitch.

the truth is

i really enjoyed it!

wow!
what athletes! <both the humans AND the animals!>

i was in complete awe.

 

i must stop judging.

 

and #3

the country music song.

country <or Nashville pop> is just not my genre

tho

at the rodeo

i heard a line in a song that blew my mind:

‘Sometimes I Get Off On The Pain.’

 

that can mean SOOO many things

however

to me

i thought about my inner challenges.

 

i like the challenge.

i get off on the pain

on the suffering

on the dark cloud.

 

wtf.

 

is that for real?

am i for real?

i DO think my personality likes a challenge

so i create them.

challenges pop up

time and time again

just to keep me on my toes.

 

often

the challenges appear to be outer

but are really on the inside.

 

sometimes i get off on the pain.

 

we all know those kind of people

who thrive on drama.

 

maybe we all do?

maybe we get off on remembering our hard childhoods

or

our bad marriages

or

our health problems.

 

i never would have thought that about myself

until i heard that song

at the rodeo.

and

i never even would have been at the rodeo

had i not chilled the f out

to explore a culture

that is alive and well in my community.

 

i love you. i’m sorry. please forgive me. thank you.

 

i consider myself to be mostly self aware

so realizing this whole other side

was a bit shocking.

tho i do my best to not immediately judge anyone or anything

there is was

lurking in the shadows.

 

maybe i had to lurk in the shadows to bump in to it?

oh

to explore ourselves.

what an adventure.

how can there be so much uncharted territory?!

how can i live with myself so closely

and

not know so much about me?

 

i’m getting there.

going spelunking within

finding some cool caverns.

 

can’t wait to see what new things i allow myself to experience next.

 

thank you Gary Allan for my breakthru moment.