am i medicating?

Tales of a Double Virgo

Episode #19

am i medicating?

 

fuck.

i’m medicating again.

it’s subtle

and

loud at the same time.

 

the familiar rise of uncomfy feelings

reaching for the drink. the smoke. the sugary treat.

what the hell do i think they are gonna do for me anyway?

 

i’m in a particularly dry time

<not intentionally>

and

i am noticing what i reach for

and

when.

 

do i really think these ‘things’ will soothe what ails me?

do i really feel i can run from what’s inside?

where did i learn this?

why is it somehow ok?

not that it IS.

 

am i medicating

when i reach for something outside of myself?

 

i noticed it deeply today.

walking thru the pastry section of the grocery store…..

i wanted to eat a whole freaking pie.

 

am i medicating?

when i turn away from how i’m feeling

and

turn IN to the bandaid.

the thing that’s supposed to ‘fix’ me

make me feel better.

but it never really does.

 

am i medicating

when i binge watch Netflix?

i can’t even believe that’s a ‘thing’.

but i sure as hell do it

and

i’m not alone.

 

am i medicating

when i shut down

turn off

turn away

from the source of my triggers

from the pain that is hard to deal with

from the tightness in my BEing.

 

facing all of my shit

without medicating

is like standing naked in a blizzard.

i feel exposed. i squeeze my eyes shut. the snow bites my skin. i cannot find shelter.

i reach for acceptance. sometimes i can’t find it.

 

we all are addicts

in one way or another.

addicted to avoidance

addicted to numbing

and sometimes

addicted to the pain.

 

am i medicating?

right now

i’m hyper aware of it.

i’m questioning everything.

i’m breaking my own rules.

i’m leaning IN to the blizzard

trusting that truly, i will not die from it.

at least not physically……