Tales of a Double Virgo
Episode #19
am i medicating?
fuck.
i’m medicating again.
it’s subtle
and
loud at the same time.
the familiar rise of uncomfy feelings
reaching for the drink. the smoke. the sugary treat.
what the hell do i think they are gonna do for me anyway?
i’m in a particularly dry time
<not intentionally>
and
i am noticing what i reach for
and
when.
do i really think these ‘things’ will soothe what ails me?
do i really feel i can run from what’s inside?
where did i learn this?
why is it somehow ok?
not that it IS.
am i medicating
when i reach for something outside of myself?
i noticed it deeply today.
walking thru the pastry section of the grocery store…..
i wanted to eat a whole freaking pie.
am i medicating?
when i turn away from how i’m feeling
and
turn IN to the bandaid.
the thing that’s supposed to ‘fix’ me
make me feel better.
but it never really does.
am i medicating
when i binge watch Netflix?
i can’t even believe that’s a ‘thing’.
but i sure as hell do it
and
i’m not alone.
am i medicating
when i shut down
turn off
turn away
from the source of my triggers
from the pain that is hard to deal with
from the tightness in my BEing.
facing all of my shit
without medicating
is like standing naked in a blizzard.
i feel exposed. i squeeze my eyes shut. the snow bites my skin. i cannot find shelter.
i reach for acceptance. sometimes i can’t find it.
we all are addicts
in one way or another.
addicted to avoidance
addicted to numbing
and sometimes
addicted to the pain.
am i medicating?
right now
i’m hyper aware of it.
i’m questioning everything.
i’m breaking my own rules.
i’m leaning IN to the blizzard
trusting that truly, i will not die from it.
at least not physically……
Comments 1
Reading this as I eat an apple fritter with maple icing and bacon. Nice timing!