am i medicating?

are potato chips w sea salt a food group?

how about dark chocolate + caramel?

and

hand-rolled tobacco?

(don’t panic. it’s organic. cause that makes it ok, right?)

the mainstay of my diet last week.

wtf.

i think i’ve entered Next Level Medication . . .

but WHAT am i medicating?

the feeling feels familiar

but

it’s not mine?

who the hells is it?

what are we FEELing

you and i?

the feels that run big and deep and wide

and

sometimes have NOTHING to do with what’s actually happening.

i mean

seriously

i feel really good!

fur realz

my stress level about MY life is

at an ALL TIME LOW.

so what the hell do i need to medicate?

what IS medication?

let’s start there.

first off

we ALL medicate

in some way shape or form.

some fucking go BIG and obvious

with drinking. drugs. smoking. eating. shopping. sex. exercise or work.

some go in the back door

with avoidance. denial. did i mention avoidance?

full-on pushing the feels away with brute inner force.

kind of amazeballz, actually.

basically

medicating is ‘using’ something OUTSIDE of ourselves to not feel ourselves.

or in the case of the back door medicate-ers—using ourselves to not feel ourselves.

either way

it’s a path to NOT feel what’s rising to the surface.

to NOT feel that which CLEARLY is felt.

to NOT feel because

well

sometimes feeling shit plain sux.

tho in the case of

dealing-with-global-shit-that-we’ve-never-before-felt-or-dealt-with

kind of medicating . . .

that may take a different spin.

in my case

last week

i could barely move.

it was like my body was taking on the roll of:

Filter Da Shit Outta ALL That’s Happening

i felt tossed around

and

my mind felt like it was continuously pulsed in the Vitamix

and

i felt car sick (wtf?)

so being in the passenger seat was NOT happening

not that i was really going anywhere.

i kept saying

‘what the hell is wrong with me’

and

‘what the HELL is happening?’

today i ate less chips

and less chocolate

and

didn’t smoke at all.

and

my brain started to come back online.

last week-honestly

the only thing (besides binge-watching)

that felt ok

was BEing outside.

the Nature REset.

thank goodness for spring.

cause if this was happening in the mid of winter . . .

anyhu

yea.

intense.

all of it.

finding our way.

wading thru mud.

with no map.

and

the wrong prescription for our glasses.

wondering if the earth will give out underfoot at each step

and

at the same time

feeling SO FREAKING BLISSED OUT WITH GRATITUDE AND WONDER.

soooo missing the thrift shop.

soooo wanting more hugs.

wondering what the hell will happen

and

praying that i/we/us will come back together in a way

that feels WAY better than before

Because It Must.

Because It MUST.