are potato chips w sea salt a food group?
how about dark chocolate + caramel?
hand rolled tobacco?
(don’t panic. it’s organic. cause that makes it ok, right?)
the mainstay of my diet last week.
i think i’ve entered Next Level Medication . . .
but WHAT am i medicating?
the feeling feels familiar
it’s not mine?
who the hells is it?
what are we FEELing
you and i?
the feels that run big and deep and wide
sometimes have NOTHING to do with what’s actually happening.
i feel really good!
my stress level about MY life is
at an ALL TIME LOW.
so what the hell do i need to medicate?
what IS medication?
let’s start there.
we ALL medicate
in some way shape or form.
some fucking go BIG and obvious
with drinking. drugs. smoking. eating. shopping. sex. exercise or work.
some go in the back door
with avoidance. denial. did i mention avoidance?
full on pushing the feels away with brute inner force.
kind of amazeballz, actually.
medicating is ‘using’ something OUTSIDE of ourselves to not feel ourselves.
or in the case of the back door medicate-ers—using ourselves to not feel ourselves.
it’s a path to NOT feel what’s rising to the surface.
to NOT feel that which CLEARLY is felt.
to NOT feel because
sometimes feeling shit plain sux.
tho in the case of
kind of medicating . . .
that may take a different spin.
in my case
i could barely move.
it was like my body was taking on the roll of:
Filter Da Shit Outta ALL That’s Happening
i felt tossed around
my mind felt like it was continuously pulsed in the Vitamix
i felt car sick (wtf?)
so being in the passenger seat was NOT happening
not that i was really going anywhere.
i kept saying
‘what the hell is wrong with me’
‘what the HELL is happening?’
today i ate less chips
and less chocolate
didn’t smoke at all.
my brain started to come back online.
the only thing (besides binge watching)
that felt ok
was BEing outside.
the Nature REset.
thank goodness for spring.
cause if this was happening in the mid of winter . . .
all of it.
finding our way.
wading thru mud.
with no map.
the wrong prescription for our glasses.
wondering if the earth will give out under foot at each step
at the same time
feeling SO FREAKING BLISSED OUT WITH GRATITUDE AND WONDER.
soooo missing the thrift shop.
soooo wanting more hugs.
wondering what the hell will happen
praying that i/we/us will come back together in a way
that feels WAY better than before
Because It Must.
Because It MUST.